Thursday, December 31, 2009

year in reflection, new year plans

when i look at last year's list of new year goals, i feel disappointed.

disappointment has been the theme in my life for the last several weeks as i examine a particular relationship more closely, so it's only natural that it would spill into my perception of myself.

when i thought about the list, without looking at it, i felt confident. i knew i hadn't even accomplished half of what i wanted to do (didn't paint, didn't go to the dentist, didn't start a regular yoga or pilates or walking regimen) but i felt good knowing that i had started scrapbooking and updated baby books. i did spend more time outdoors but not enough to feel really good about it. i did declutter enough to feel satisfied with myself, but there is still more work before the house is as it should be. i did many trades and was able to get all of our waldorf homeschooling materials from preschool through first grade and i realized that enki education was no longer appealing as our only curriculum.

however, i didn't let the most important people in my life know how much they meant and as 2009 comes to a close, i don't feel that i'm any closer to anyone. the distance just bothers me less. unless i really think about it.

and staring at the lofty list created a year ago, i can't help but think about things.
a lot.

i intended on sharing a positive, happy new year's eve post but i feel that my honesty is a bit more valuable.

i used to avoid new year's resolutions because they always seemed so contrived. just as i sometimes think of thanksgiving as an excuse for expressing the gratitude that we should share daily, new year's feels like a time when people make excuses for not being better, doing more, or trying harder and then set themselves up to fail again in the next twelve months.

despite the negative outlook that sometimes shines through my thoughts, i do still find this time of year an important one for reflection and through that i cannot help but find a glimmer of hope, a ray of optimism for this little realist.

so i'm not making any list of lofty goals this time around. i'm just going to keep doing what i've been doing, believing that small, but steady steps towards progress will make a lasting impression and maybe even pave the way for life-changing opportunities.

and instead of carrying my disappointment with me throughout the day and as i ring in the new year, i will turn it around and use it as motivation. when i need a reminder to take care of myself or to be present and peaceful for my children, or just a small dose of crafty encouragement i will look at last year's list. afterall, it is rather open-ended.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

minimalism and creativity

i just picked up a copy of amanda blake soul's "the creative family."

finally, i know.

and while i linked directly to her site where you can get your own, signed copy, i did in fact buy locally - or rather, i took some books to a bookstore in trade so i could use store credit to get her book. it felt good to clear off more space on my bookshelves and not spend actual cash. in terms of simplifying my life, through the slow and grueling process that it is, this gesture of parting with books always feels like such a big step.

in a facebook update, a friend recently asked how exactly one goes about getting rid of books, especially those of us that have visions of one day having a home-library. or better, a home within our library...you know, books lining walls, books lining staircases, staircases built just to access collections of glorious books.

while this fantasy seems attainable, i'm not sure i want it anymore. i have struggled with both the desire to own every book i take a fancy to and the desire to maintain free space in true minimalist form.

as with most things, i fall somewhere inbetween.

having gone from a five bedroom home with just one son in a previous life, to a home half that size with a family that grew by three more people, becoming minimalist has become necessary. but, as mentioned above, it is a process and no matter how i wish it could be different (read: easier) it is not a miraculous thing to be accomplished overnight.

or even in the course of one year.

as we stay in this small house, year after year, it's not the size that bothers me or the fact that i am forced to pare down (the silver lining is that it allows me to focus on what really matters), but it is honestly the layout. the floorplan is just lousy. it is not conducive to feng shui or good energy but by cluttering it up, intentionally, i have further decreased the good creative flow.

i can say that i've been "trying" to make things better or that i've been "decluttering" for years but this year was the first that real and lasting progress was made and is still evident. i parted with about half of my wardrobe and was able to clear out an entire dresser which promptly went to a resale shop for in-store credit. i haven't gone crazy with shoes like i might have in the past - for every new pair of shoes that came in, i sold or donated a pair that i wasn't wearing. same with handbags and diaper bags. nearly every area has been subjected to the idea that for every new (or new to us) thing we bring into our home, we must get rid of at least one other thing.

still, it is a process. and for every pile of paperwork i tackle, another stacks up. for every bag of children's clothing i donate, another eventually finds its way back in as i usually cannot resist crazy good clearance deals or thrift shop finds. which brings me back to "the creative family."

i was happy to see the term "thrifting" in print since i often have to explain to people, even those that frequent thrift stores themselves, what i mean when i say it. it seems pretty self-evident, but maybe not.

i had a pattern of thought, promptly lost, when i set out to start this entry earlier this morning. since then, there have been phone calls and other interruptions. not to mention i hadn't yet finished one cup of coffee so my stream of consciousness was fuzzy, at best.

before i attempt, once again, to tie everything up in one coherent story, i'm just going end abruptly. my plan for the day was to go to thrift town to look for small pitchers and cups for pouring and sorting activities a la montessori theory and if i don't make steps towards leaving now, i never will.

Friday, December 25, 2009

merry christmas

feeling so blessed today.

it doesn't take a day gift-giving and family-time to take note, give thanks, and count my blessings, but it is one of those days where i look around and see the love, warmth, and good in my life and wouldn't change a thing!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

stripes!

merry christmas eve!


blessed mama is short on time, as per usual so i leave you with one happy picture for the day.

the two youngest boys and i put on our striped socks the other day. their's were matching pairs from the gap. mine were knee-high length, from target.


pea made a cute comment which i thought would make a great blog title but didn't write down and i inevitably forgot exactly what he said. it was something so full of that child-like wonder and wisdom like "stripes make my feet happy" or "stripes are fun on your feet" but it was neither of those. that's just what my adult-brain has imposed on his words. he doesn't remember what he said, either. but rather than continuing to dwell on it, i'll just share the pure happiness that our socks are!




Wednesday, December 23, 2009

hedgehog love on etsy

what do i do while nursing sprout to nap, before getting in shower?

why, i search for hedgehogs on etsy, of course!

loving:

okay. sprout is solidly sleeping. mama can get cleaned up now.

enjoy!

morning hustle

sprout has sprouted teeth!



so our petite wooden baby spoon from nova natural is no longer safe and will soon have little teeth marks on it, i'm sure.

and speaking of wooden baby spoons, this one on etsy is delightful!

but back to sprout. he is my latest teether - at eight and a half months, his bottom two teeth have just emerged. i felt the obvious white teething bumps last week, even though there have been times in the past four months that i thought they were noticeable. two days ago, i saw the tell-tale "teething blisters" on his bottom gums and last night felt the ridges of newly sprouted teeth!

he did so well, too. i learned with pea that humphrey's and amber teething necklaces (not for actual teething on but worn for their anti-inflamation properties) are everything they're cracked up to be. so it must have been intuitive that i put the amber necklace on sprout about four days ago. two nights ago i gave him some humphrey's as he was really restless and wouldn't settle to sleep but i was expecting a few more restless nights before his teeth actually made their way through the gums.

looks like it was also intuition that i got him another natursutten teether at whole foods the other day. i bought one when i was pregnant but it has mysteriously disappeared and i've never found it in the eight months since his birth. of course, a quick google of the product produces links to the canadian recall of natursutten teethers.

it doesn't look like the US has issued a recall, but the paranoid in me is hoping i didn't throw away the package so that i can compare the UPC number to the canadian products involved. the rational in me is saying it hardly matters if the water has a little bacteria in it because i wouldn't let my child chew on something his teeth could puncture. but then i get paranoid all over again and wonder how i would even know when his teeth would be sharp enough to do such a thing.

oh.

how quickly a blog entry can get diverted. here's an interesting read about a similar recall for nuby liquid-filled teethers - canada lead the way, FDA guidelines aren't as stingent but the US quickly followed suit.

maybe we should just stick to our wooden spoons and wooden teethers. even though, no matter how often i rinse them, i'm sure bacteria breeds in the wood, too. but if my base knowledge of bacteria is accurate, the normal bacterias we're exposed to daily wouldn't pose as much of a concern as some other, unknown bacteria potentially dwelling in a toy.

so instead of posting more pictures, my entry has come to an end with an unknown "what to do?" about our natursutten apple teether because i have to take a shower and go run some last minute errands with the boys.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

could not have said it better

i just read something that mirrored many of my own thoughts but offered more encouragement than i can ever seem to offer myself in such short time.

take a few minutes for yourself and read the simplicity of parenting.

peaceful parenting is where it all begins.

breathe. be inspired. take heart. seek truth and you shall find it.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

amazing babies

i cannot wait for this movie to come out.



and hopefully it shows in my city or the hippie town an hour north so that i can take my own babies and happily nurse one of them during the show.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

sophie the giraffe may be cute

but she doesn't compare to this:




it can stop the meltdown of an eight-month old, instantly. the other day sprout was chewing on my checkbook (again, with the pink leather) but receipts were falling out so i tried to distract him with a wooden teether. he started to cry. i handed him another toy. he cried louder. so i gave him my lodis card wallet since it's saved us from a scream-fest in the car on more than occasion. not only did he stop crying, but he started cooing in delight. i was on the phone with my stepdad at the time and he was thoroughly impressed.

forget the sophie the giraffe stocking stuffer.

lodis. it's what's for christmas*.

*CPSIA regulations aside.


nap before breakfast

yes, today.

sprout is nursing his way to his first nap, as i type.

when he awoke early this morning, or earlier than usual, i was so sleepy that i hardly had time to appreciate the fact that he'd take his nap earlier than usual, as well.

since i rarely soak our oatmeal overnight, i set it to soak about an hour ago and as soon as he's off the boob, pea is going to help me make our breakfast by stirring in honey, coconut oil, and a "little bit of cinnamon and vaniwwa" for our own blend of healthy, oatmeal goodness.

if pea and i had already eaten (i have to get better about this and eat, or at least feed him, upon rising) i might guide him into a game of let's all lay down but there's always hope that we can all get a nap this afternoon.

for now, i will put sprout on the bed, eat a nourishing breakfast, then play a counting game that pea is eager to play until sprout wakes.

what a glorious day. and now i will share with you:


pea's favorite creamy& sweet oatmeal recipe:

1 cup old fashioned oats, pre-soaked in 1 1/2 cups water
(overnight is preferred, especially if using steel-cut oats, and reduces cooking time, but soaked for at least an hour is fine)

add more water, if desired. rice milk is good, too.

cook on medium-low for a few minutes and stir in the following:

  • as much flaxseed as you feel like grinding
  • a heaping spoonful of coconut oil
  • a heaping spoonful of raw honey (more or less, to suit your taste)
  • as much cinammon (ours is mixed with turbinado sugar) as your child can sprinkle before you worry about sweetness overload
  • 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

kid-approved and dairy free!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

slowing down and giving thanks.

yesterday i was struggling to build a box for a rocking horse i sold and needed to ship. the trick was to say within certain parameters because the UPS rate would have nearly doubled if the dimensions increased by an inch in any direction.

i think i spent at least three solid hours throughout the day on the project and was nearly in tears with exasperation when the papa came home.

shortly after his arrival i thought i overheard our three year old pea say, "mama ignored me all day." my heart sank because i had been so focused on getting the rocking horse packed up that he and baby sprout had been banished from the playroom for most of the day, as that was the easiest place to work with a huge cardboard box and sharp instruments.

as it turns out, pea really said, "i ate a snowman today," in reference to the chocolate snowman from his advent calendar. i gave a small, silent thanks for his ability to overlook what i felt so bad about and started thinking about how pea, at nearly four years old, probably didn't even feel ignored. i focused my awareness on how i manage my time. or mismanage. i gently reminded myself that i need to slow down from time to time and not get so engaged in tasks that frustrate me, since i'm not very productive once frustrated.

if i would just slow down, step away, and re-approach the situation once calm, i would save myself a lot of time. i was reaching a point of frustration yet again, so it was a relief when the papa came into the playroom and offered to finish the box for me. i was nearly done but had no desire to keep working on it. of course he did the smart thing and got an actual box cutter and the measuring tape (i couldn't find the box cutter and figured i'd be just as efficient with my x-acto knife and fiskars. wrong.) but it still took him about 20 minutes to construct the last remaining section.

i gave another silent thanks, and a verbal one, for not only did he come home in time to rescue me from an utter meltdown but there was still enough time for me to make it to UPS and i didn't have to take the kids! i kissed the boys and papa told me to drive safe. these words are spoken often by those close to me and they really do give me pause so i gave myself another gentle reminder on the way out the door.

it was nearly dark but there was no reason to rush. i have to start practicing the art of slowing down when i get in my car, anyhow, as lately i've been slipping the automatic shifter past "drive" and then driving off, not realizing that i'm in third gear. it seems to slide past drive so easily, that i almost wonder if something's wrong with the car itself, but i've also been so hurried lately that i am probably just slipping the shifter out of park too fast. so slow down, i tell myself. breathe. drive safe.

i had some stuff to ship through the post office, as well, but i was too late for the USPS pick-up at the UPS store so i decided to drive to the post office. the parcels weren't too big to fit into the mailboxes outside so i opted for a quick drive-by, rather than parking and getting out. only after i drop my parcels down the chute do i realize the big blue mailbox is open and the wheeled cart that fits inside and collects mail is sitting beside it. so my parcels are likely to get missed. luckily my favorite postman in the area emerges from the truck parked next to the boxes. he sort of reminds me of a cross between santa clause and tommy chong because he's so gosh-darn cheery and calm for a postal worker. and there's the long, gray beard and hippie hair.

i get out of my car to let him know what i'd done and he jokingly made a big deal about the hassle of crawling in the big blue mailbox to retrieve what i dropped in there. i offered to do it but he said no. i'm not sure why but before i can stop myself, i am explaining to him him that if i'd actually listened to what i'd been telling myself since i left the house i would have slowed down and noticed the open box and the collection cart next to it. he thanked me for the reminder of humility, closed his eyes and formed the om mudra, and told me to drive safe. three times.

Friday, December 11, 2009

platform

earlier this year, i created a blog. after my third and final son was born and the reality of never having a little girl had fully set in.

it was intended to be a place for mamas with boys to commune, expecially if they had always had a deep longing in their hearts for a daughter. but it quickly turned into a shallow review blog (no offense to the many wonderful, and successful, review bloggers out there) and i was hard pressed to write anything of substantial value. i found myself saving more drafts than i was sharing because when i got down to the hard work of writing honestly i realized that there's a fine line between empathizing with others in similar situations and just full on complaining about one's lot in life. as time wore on and i looked upon my three sons, i realized that being without a daughter wasn't going to be so bad, afterall, and even though i may not always get what i want, i always have what i need.

moving on to new and improved pastures, i am bringing forth life to this blog i created earlier this year, as well. i still intend on using the other blog, but it's direction is unknown. because i do not identify simply as a mother to three boys or a daughterless mother, i decided that wouldn't be my focus as i am now taking steps to take my writing more seriously.

one of those steps was ordering a copy of writer mama. i was going to read it from start to finish but after two chapters i started skipping here, there, and everywhere. i have reading ADD because i can only read in spurts when someone isn't demanding my attention, lap, arms, boob, or all four at once. tonight i read about the writer's platform and wondered what type of online presence i really wanted to create for myself. i have been keeping an online journal for nearly a decade and i see livejournal and blogger as two different things, so i'd say i've only "blogged" for two or so years, in various forms. but none of my other blogs really inspire me and my livejournal is less visible. so here i am.

the blog title may one day be the title of a book i write. or maybe not, but i will write a book, i'm certain. i'm nowhere near even attempting that here and now but the momentum towards that goal is underway.

you may be asking yourself, "what does 'kid-life crisis' even mean?"

it is the tug and pull, or the dichotomy, that quite possibly exists within every mother at some point in time but especially when they feel that their need for autonomy is overshadowed by their child(ren)'s dependence on them. it is those moments that old calgon commercials are made of. it is when you go without brushing your teeth before bed because your baby is attached to you and will wake up the whole house if you put him down. it is when you don't know what's worse: the thought of returning to work when your maternity leave is over and not being with your child for eight hours a day or not returning to work and being with your child all day, every day. it is when you're on the phone and your otherwise wonderful toddler is blowing raspberries in the baby's face and stabbing you in the ear with the bulb syringe (or the "booger snatcher" as it is known as around here). true story.

for me it started when i had my first child, at age sixteen. i was still a kid, myself, for all intents and purposes, and i didn't even really like kids. i was definitely sure i didn't want any of my own for a really, really long time. i did not become a first-time parent by choice, but as soon as i took those seven pregnancy tests to confirm what i already knew, there was no choice. though i was young and did not want to be with my son's father, i took full responsibility for my actions and prepared for the task ahead.

of course, nobody tells you how difficult the task is and you couldn't fully understand it, anyhow, until you're in the middle of it. there were times that i thought i wanted more children, and then there were times i wasn't even sure i wanted the one i had.

and now i have three.

so this my platform. my testament to the contradiction that is my beautiful and stressful life. i love my children but for every way i feel blessed, i also feel stretched beyond my means. for every baby kiss i cherish, i am also not interested in playing candyland ever again. i like nursing and babywearing and even typing with one hand, with a twenty pound baby sleeping on my shoulder. but i like typing with two hands better.

and one day i will.

but for now, i write in the middle of the night and build this.
my platform.