Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Sunday, July 4, 2010

i used to be much better at this blogging thing, before i had a blog.

as some of you may know, i once upon a time had a livejournal. or four. whatever. and i used to be pretty damn prolific, even annoyingly so. like ten years ago, i used to update multiple times per day and i used to publically share mighty juicy details of my inner workings and my exciting night life. it was good stuff, i'm telling you. i was even good at posting poems, song lyrics, and the latest quiz. i had no problem sharing with everyone and anyone, the last person i talked to, the last time i cried, what i was wearing, what i was doing, what i'd had for breakfast. all that stuff that no one really, truly gives a shit about.

i loved livejournal so much so that i must admit i was still an avid lj'er even after pea was born but something changed when i was pregnant with sprout...i read more than i wrote and by the time he was born, days would go by without the need to log in. instead of posting ten times a day, i might post ten times in a month. now, if you're familiar with livejournal, you know that throughout the years it has become increasingly annoying to be a non-paid member and for whatever reason (maybe when they went around banning users with breastfeeding icons) i decided i wasn't going to pay for the service of allowing me to spill my heart out into the ether. and so i had to deal with a growing number of obnoxious, talking ads and now it's even worse. a commercial plays when i log in before allowing me access to my "livejournal experience" and well, why bother with all of that when i can pretty much keep up with everyone i care about via facebook?

that is only a partial joke because, also, when pregnant of sprout, i finally got with the now and created a facebook account which i found nearly as addicting but was somehow able to avoid spending all day on it the way i used to with livejournal, between my entries and constantly refreshing my "friends page". so facebook and the growing sucktitude of lj ads helped me wean myself from obsessive online journalling. and i think that's why i suck so bad at keeping this (and my other) blog afloat. at least, that's my story for now.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

in an effort to change...

just a while ago, my four year old was enjoying a large, jonagold apple.

i didn't really want any but when i noticed how long it was taking him to finish, i asked if he wanted me to eat the last, untouched slice. he said, "no," so i went about my business.

a few minutes later he offered me the last slice and i agreed to finish it before i realized that he was holding it. the sliced side was taking up his entire palm. the germ-a-phobe-freak-a-zoid my mother raised was completely grossed out.

the rational part of me, which does exist, knew that pea probably washed his hands when we got home or the last time he went pee. since he is my kid and all, he obsessively washes his hands if he even so much as steps foot in a bathroom. the emotional part of me knows that most normal mothers will share food and drink with their offspring without a second thought, without getting grossed out, without reliving a part of their childhood where their mother made them feel like disgusting little creatures even if they were disgusting little creatures who had yet to learn not to touch food and then put it back, or backwash a little into a glass or soda bottle, or not wash their hands before eating, or whatever. and even if the seed of OCD cleanliness has been planted early, kids are kinda gross.

but normal mothers still love them and share food and drink with them.

so i got over all my past life experiences and present habits and did something i've never really done.

i acted like a normal mother.

kidding, kidding, i "act" normal all the time.

but instead of finding a creative way to make pea finish the apple, himself, or coming right out and saying something potentially damaging like "ew, gross," i ate the damn apple slice.

warm cooties and all.

Friday, June 4, 2010

why no, i don't have a killer macro lens

i may have a killer dandelion, though.

and i don't just mean pretty...

this thing is like three feet tall
(or more - that sun statue that you can barely see in the back, left corner is at least 18" tall).

okay, here's a better example...this thing peeks into our kitchen for breakfast

and i blame it for my itchy eyes, every morning.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

i think i think too much

i saw a quote today that was something like "if you think too much about how to do something, it will certainly be it's undoing" and if that isn't at all close to what i read, that's the gist of what i took away from it.

i may have spun it to have more personal relevance since i feel like just going with it right now, not putting too much thought into this journal or the art because i've been overthinking both of them for far too long. essentially second-guessing and questioning so much that i was headed down a very unproductive path -i was thinking about what i could do, but admittedly i wasn't doing anything.

as with anything, i think i can easily get off-track simply by letting my thoughts run amok - i feel creative and instinctual, always have - but in the last several years i've had no shortage of creative and intuitive thoughts, i've just done nothing with them, or about them. it is good to see the change coming, to feel it. to be doing it!

i almost said that i've decided to just start doing art everyday, but it wasn't a decision. it was a choice. i have recently chosen to do something creative everyday. it doesn't matter what it is. and a few weeks ago, kind of serendipitously, i saw a copy of The Artistic Mother: A Practical Guide to Fitting Creativity into Your Life at borders and i eventually went back to get it. while i may not actually follow each and every project over the next 12 weeks, it was just the thing i needed to inspire and motivate me enough. to do art. make art. be creative. stop making excuses. you name it. my internet time is now more focused. my daily tasks beyond the typical domestic duties include nothing but play and creative expression. even if i'm painting with a baby at my feet or on my back. even if i have to stop 345 times a day to get a cup of water, apple, grapes, clean a butt. whatever. this is my job. it's one of the things that i've always wanted and it took me several years to realize that i already had it.

things are, of course, not always ideal but they are getting so much better since i started thinking less and doing more.

Monday, May 31, 2010

love that kid!

this morning i awoke to a very curious (almost) 14 month-old and a very loud and bouncy 4 year old. as the 4 year old kept standing up on my pillow and throwing himself backwards on the bed i was aware of just how long and lean and BIG he is getting. i marvel at this from time to time when i catch a glimpse of how much growing up he's actually doing but it still surprises me everytime.

in my sleepy, reminiscent state i told pea that he wasn't supposed to keep growing. he was supposed to be my baby forever.

his reply was, "i will always be your baby. even when i'm a teenager and even when i'm a done-up."


Friday, May 28, 2010

my name is not slacker.

i've been thinking a lot lately about this whole blog thing. i have had a livejournal for almost ten years (in july, i think?) so i naturally thought i'd have no problem updating this or my review blog regularly.

then a month can go by and i haven't done a single review (and not for lack of fun things that i could review) and i haven't made a worthwhile contribution here. i take pictures and make notes for my "blog" all the time.

i don't share them here.

i don't share them on livejournal.

i wonder if i'm a total nutcase.

so i really started to ponder this a few weeks ago. what am i trying to accomplish, what is my blog's purpose? i'd start by answering that part of my blog's purpose is to continue to reach out to like-minded individuals and interact, gain feedback and insight, to share. much like my livejournal.

but i know i don't even give this blog a tenth of what i've put into livejournal over the years, whether it be in personal antecdotes or raw emotion. livejournal was my dumping ground. blogging was supposed to be different, this happy place where i could show the world i was strong and capable. while my livejournal(s) have largely remained public throughout the years and it's true that anyone could technically "find me" with a little know-how, a blog feels more open, without all that reciprocal encouragement that i got from livejournal. i mean, for some, i suppose that's there but i don't have a follower base of 3000 just yet. i've got one steady reader, maybe. so i feel like if i get all open and honest here, i'm really baring it all to the great wide open without that safety net of my chosen friend's list. i ain't go no friends here, it's just me. and i suppose on some level that's frightening. putting yourself out there isn't so scary when you've got friends that will comment and make suggestions, offer advice, share.

of course, i also started the blog(s) to earn a bit of cash. it is no lie...i mean, there are some pretty well-organized ads all over. i spent time making sure it wasn't omfg obnoxious and over the top like some blogs that make me want to get off the computer and leave the room screaming. i mean, i actually want people that may stop on by to come back, you know. but aside from that, i eventually forsee the blog(s) as being integral to my business - the selling my wares on etsy business. but now i'm all confused about that (so, i'll just sidenote digress here for a sec, because i'm good at that................do-do-do-do-do-do-do................
just as i have two blogs, i now have two etsy shops and i'm wondering if it's completely absurd to offer my original artwork of and relating to children and motherhood, as well as my {again, family-oriented} hand knits and whatever else tickles my fancy in one shop and then my hardcore, "i have pain" emo mixed media pieces. like the dark, grown-up side and the fun-loving, happy-go-lucky mama side can get along but not in the same shop. is that like so totally bipolar that it would never work??? yeah, so that's bothering me, like whoa!) i just don't know yet how it's really all going to work out and i've even been questioning why i have two blogs and not just one. i initially started blessed mama to encompass all that i was feeling as a forever mom of boys and never a mom of girls. but i could never open up there, even though i think it's an important topic and women should not feel guilty if they have gender preferences, i actually started to really REALLY (not just like saying, "really" but actually feeling it) be at peace with where i'm at, who i am, and what my life is all about. boys and all ;)

i'm not even sure what prompted me to start this blog but ever since, i've had the idea that this blog would be family/life oriented whereas the other blog would strictly be for reviews and giveaways. i felt that i could appeal to two different sets of readers, if need be, but it wouldn't be difficult for readers interested in both to hop between the two. but then also having two etsy shops just makes me wonder if i've taken being disjointed way too far. what makes sense one day doesn't seem to make sense the next.

so those are the two main reasons i started to blog but i had to also ask myself why i update so infrequently. part of me feels like i've put so much of myself out there over the last ten years - and while i really liked the commentary and interaction that  livejournal once provided, i have grown bored with the whole gig in the last few months. i still log on and read my friend's journals but don't comment much, the interaction has become less important. and now, there just seems to be more important things to do, than update about my life.

so, i don't know. as with many things, i haven't reached any great conclusion. i don't know if maintaining two blogs is a good idea. i don't know if producing two very different types of artwork is a good idea. i am so full of doubt right now but really need to remain positive and come up with some clear objectives. creating intent and purpose is slightly more complicated than i would have previously thought.