Posts
this was the first thing i saw this morning.
my mom sent me the link in a facebook message because she obviously knows how to reach me ;)
mom 2.0: defining a moment
it is the most beautiful, touching, and TRUE sentiment on motherhood i've ever come across.
and i was inspired to write and share:
this morning, the snow is lightly falling outside
reminding me that winter really isn't almost over,
but running a little late, instead
our tender saplings, planted last year
sway in the wind, i imagine they will all survive
as their buds prepare to make an appearance in the spring
my mind is heavy and tired
my heart full of love, breasts full of milk
a reminder of last night's sick baby
on the mend now, i wait for him to nurse with
his usual delight as long he wants or needs to,
throughout the rest of this glorious day
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
relevant daily om
this may be interesting only to me. and my mom.
her and i talked this weekend, about all manner of things, but one being my last blog entry and what "not blaming or becoming" one's parents entails.
how ironic, in a way, that this would arrive in my inbox today...
January 26, 2010
Becoming Your Parents
Generate Your Own Patterns
Though many of the tempers and temperaments that define you are inherited, you control how they manifest in your life.
Heredity plays a role in almost all human development, whether physical, mental, or emotional. We tend to look like our parents and are subject to the same sensitivities they have. We may even be predisposed to certain behaviors or preferences. As we grow older, we become increasingly aware of the traits that exist within us and the clear history of the traits of our mothers and fathers. Our response to this epiphany depends upon whether the inclinations, tendencies, and penchants we inherited from our forebears are acceptable in our eyes. We may honor some of these shared traits while rejecting others. However, there is no law of nature, no ethereal connection between parents and children, that states that the latter must follow in the footsteps of the former. We are each of us free to become whoever we wish to be.
When we accept that our parents are human beings in possession of both human graces and human failings, we begin to regard them as distinct individuals. And by granting mothers and fathers personhood in our minds, we come to realize that we, too, are autonomous people and in no way destined to become our relations. While we may have involuntarily integrated some of our parents’ mannerisms or habits into our own lives, conscious self-examination will provide us with a means to identify these and work past them if we so desire. We can then unreservedly honor and emulate those aspects of our mothers and fathers that we admire without becoming carbon copies of them.
Though many of the tempers and temperaments that define you are inherited, you control how they manifest in your life. The patterns you have witnessed unfolding in the lives of your parents need not be a part of your unique destiny. You can learn from the decisions they made and choose not to indulge in the same vices. Their habits need not become yours. But even as you forge your own path, consider that your parents’ influence will continue to shape your life—whether or not you follow in their footsteps. Throughout your entire existence, they have endeavored to provide you with the benefit of their experiences. How you make use of this profound gift is up to you.
her and i talked this weekend, about all manner of things, but one being my last blog entry and what "not blaming or becoming" one's parents entails.
how ironic, in a way, that this would arrive in my inbox today...
January 26, 2010
Becoming Your Parents
Generate Your Own Patterns
Though many of the tempers and temperaments that define you are inherited, you control how they manifest in your life.
Heredity plays a role in almost all human development, whether physical, mental, or emotional. We tend to look like our parents and are subject to the same sensitivities they have. We may even be predisposed to certain behaviors or preferences. As we grow older, we become increasingly aware of the traits that exist within us and the clear history of the traits of our mothers and fathers. Our response to this epiphany depends upon whether the inclinations, tendencies, and penchants we inherited from our forebears are acceptable in our eyes. We may honor some of these shared traits while rejecting others. However, there is no law of nature, no ethereal connection between parents and children, that states that the latter must follow in the footsteps of the former. We are each of us free to become whoever we wish to be.
When we accept that our parents are human beings in possession of both human graces and human failings, we begin to regard them as distinct individuals. And by granting mothers and fathers personhood in our minds, we come to realize that we, too, are autonomous people and in no way destined to become our relations. While we may have involuntarily integrated some of our parents’ mannerisms or habits into our own lives, conscious self-examination will provide us with a means to identify these and work past them if we so desire. We can then unreservedly honor and emulate those aspects of our mothers and fathers that we admire without becoming carbon copies of them.
Though many of the tempers and temperaments that define you are inherited, you control how they manifest in your life. The patterns you have witnessed unfolding in the lives of your parents need not be a part of your unique destiny. You can learn from the decisions they made and choose not to indulge in the same vices. Their habits need not become yours. But even as you forge your own path, consider that your parents’ influence will continue to shape your life—whether or not you follow in their footsteps. Throughout your entire existence, they have endeavored to provide you with the benefit of their experiences. How you make use of this profound gift is up to you.
Monday, January 18, 2010
children need love the most when they least deserve it
the first time i saw that quote i liked it.
i was in fourth grade and it was taped up in a school counselor's office, though it might have actually said, "children need a hug when they least deserve one." while it might imply that love needs to be earned, it really hit home for me. by the time i was in fourth grade hugs were a rare treat, offered by my mother maybe once a year.
the quote has stuck with me since and has offered gentle support during some of the tougher moments on my journey through motherhood.
long before i was aware of parenting styles and their related methods of discipline and before i soaked in information on early childhood development in various psychology classes, waldorf educational philosophy appealed to me. i was just twenty-one and bean was nearing school-age but i did not research as much as i could have. i read bits and pieces of information, here and there. i knew that the only waldorf school in our area was 60 miles away, and even with the logistics of getting him there and back aside, i could not have afford the tuition. i printed a few things from the oak meadow website and i ordered a few books from ebay. resources were rather scarce and i wasn't motivated to search harder or become more involved.
i thought that waldorf education was simply a curriculum to choose from among many, not realizing the philosophy was more a way of life. to be honest, i was first drawn more to montessori ideals but they felt too rigid and when i realized that the demands of my job would make it nearly impossibly to homeschool, i enrolled bean in public school and researched no further.
it wasn't until i was pregnant again, five years later, that my interest in waldorf education was renewed. i felt ready to meet the challenges of living a waldorf-lifestyle head-on. except that i severely lacked rhythm and structure and as far as discipline was concerned i still had a long way to go.
by the time pea was two years old, i thought i had a handle on conscious, peaceful parenting, i was letting respect for and attachment to this little person be my gentle guide. i can't say exactly what it was that happened next but between various stressors in my adult life, pea turning three, and a painful pregnancy due to severe PSD, i let things slip and suddenly i was reverting to old patterns and behaviors wherein i was not being very gentle or patient all of the time.
i could see the immediate effect in my child. the one my mother likes to point out was "very attached" to me was suddenly unruly, less cooperative, and more independent. i knew some of this was normal behavior for his age but i could see where some of pea's behaviors were mimicking his older brother's and i knew i was the common denominator. i started to read scream-free parenting on the recommendation of an online friend. it wasn't necessarily a personal recommendation but she was suggesting it as a must-read for anyone that grew up in a home where dysfunctional communication or yelling was commonplace. i learned that what the author considered "screaming" didn't necessarily have to mean that one was actually yelling or raising their voice at all. it was a real eye-opener and i suggested that my mother read the book because she is still raising children and they could benefit from a calmer, more peaceful mother, as well.
i have to be honest here again. i didn't finish the book. i didn't even implement more than half of what i read, though the first few examples had a huge impact on me. i had another baby and other things took precedence. it's been almost ten months since sprout was born and getting back on track is once again my first priority. i started reading the discipline book by dr. sears as a refresher course in what i already knew. it has helped tremendously to reaffirm my belief in attachment parenting but i have yet to meet my own (real or perceived) standards in terms of waldorf philosophy and practice.
i believe it is a challenge for me because i wasn't shown how to be loving, gentle, kind or patient. those are not the strong suits of either of my parents. i don't blame them and i may repeat this sentiment often (i even wrote a poem about it once). as trite as it sounds, i know that they did they best they could with what they had available to them. however, i do admit that it is difficult not to think that the rhythm, order, and reverence shown in waldorf schools and homeschools comes easier to those that are much more patient and easy-going, either by nature or as shown through nurturing.
the good news is: there are now a vast majority of both attachment parenting and waldorf resources currently available. i know how to seek them out and apply them. this has been on my mind lately as my mother and i still don't see eye to eye on several aspects of disciplining children, what is appropriate to expect of them, and how to handle challenging toddler behavior.
i have adopted an approach that is less harsh and requires more of me - i have to take responsibility for my emotions and maintain control over myself, i have to exact more patience and persistence, i have to hold myself to a higher degree of accountability in order to be consistent and thorough, and in order for my child to learn through gentle guidance, i have to repeat myself. often.
one of the most interesting things, and why i keep relating this to my mother, is that when i was younger she was actively trying to "undo" all of the negative and harmful forms of discipline her mother had bestowed upon her. she once shared the poem "children learn what they live" with my grandmother and if my memory serves me, my grandmother even displayed it in her home for some time. though it seemed to leave little lasting impression on either of them.
one version of the poem begins:
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to be shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn what envy is.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
(click here for the entire condensed version)
when i read just the beginning, i want to blame my mother for everything i ever did wrong in my life. i want to be angry with her for hurting me so much. but i know none of that is conducive to living a productive or happy life and the only thing i can do is be a better mother myself.
tonight i was flipping through the latest issue of parents (which i don't normally do) and i found myself reading the discipline feature by jody mace. the article titled "new tools for DIY discipline" offered new insights into old ways of dealing with young ones. the last tip was about replacing firmness with empathy. mace explains that a firm, direct approach is perfectly acceptable, at times, such as when a child is blatantly ignoring or disobeying. however, she cautions against being firm when a child is sad, for instance. even if a parent doesn't understand or believe the issue to be worthy of such emotion, children can sometimes feel sincere sadness over the tiniest of things.
i had to explain this to blessed papa, just the other night, when our sensitive little pea was crying at the dinner table. papa was serving us mini-sundaes for dessert and asked us to choose which ones we wanted. i had to leave the table for a moment and when i returned pea was wiping tears from his cheek. he was upset because papa didn't wait for me to return or select a sundae before he chose one for himself and started digging in. i let pea know this was okay, while papa was trying hard not to roll his eyes. i understood that our child was only expressing a very sincere emotion and felt that he was entitled to his sadness and concern even if it was over something that didn't matter at all to me. when we are insensitive to a child under such circumstances it can be perceived as both ridicule and shame and the child eventually becomes less likely to share his or her feelings with others and sometimes goes so far as to repress uncomfortable emotions so he or she does not even recognize them.
mace suggests that firmness is replaced with empathy and she explains that it is as important to children as it is to adults to feel heard and understood. a little bit of empathy can go a long way, not only in terms of how it makes our children feel more secure and empowered but also in the sense that it teaches them important lessons in how to relate to others in healthy and productive ways.
with this topic weighing heavily on my mind, i came across this bit on discipline in a waldorf school:
...the discipline is neither rigid in the traditional sense nor free in a permissive way. the objective [is] an easy, peaceful atmosphere in which all can breathe freely. this arises quite naturally when there is the right human understanding amongst pupils and between teacher and pupil: a mutual caring concern and regard. correction, if required, is carefully considered regarding the nature of the behavior and the dignity of the individual.
(the full article can be found here)
i could have not said that better and it easily applies to the home setting, whether waldorf education is a part of that setting or not. the key to a mutual caring concern and regard is to be a caring adult, as children learn what they live, mimic what they witness. i feel that being too harsh is akin to being hostile and that, in turn, creates a child always ready to fight. a child who will be hostile right back and so the cycle continues. i fully understand the cycles of dysfunction (and even abuse) and how damaged children often grow into damaged adults who damage their children and so on and so forth. when we are aware and acknowledge the problem we make a concerted effort to exact a powerful change upon our circumstances.
committed to growing as a person and as a mother, i learn as much from my children as i can and i know that the only useful method of teaching is by example, by being the change i wish to see. i understand that it is a process and that sometimes it may feel that i am taking two steps forward and three steps back but i continue to seek out and put to use the tools that that may not have been provided to me so that my children do not find the road to adulthood and parenthood so difficult.
that road begins with childhood.
i was in fourth grade and it was taped up in a school counselor's office, though it might have actually said, "children need a hug when they least deserve one." while it might imply that love needs to be earned, it really hit home for me. by the time i was in fourth grade hugs were a rare treat, offered by my mother maybe once a year.
the quote has stuck with me since and has offered gentle support during some of the tougher moments on my journey through motherhood.
long before i was aware of parenting styles and their related methods of discipline and before i soaked in information on early childhood development in various psychology classes, waldorf educational philosophy appealed to me. i was just twenty-one and bean was nearing school-age but i did not research as much as i could have. i read bits and pieces of information, here and there. i knew that the only waldorf school in our area was 60 miles away, and even with the logistics of getting him there and back aside, i could not have afford the tuition. i printed a few things from the oak meadow website and i ordered a few books from ebay. resources were rather scarce and i wasn't motivated to search harder or become more involved.
i thought that waldorf education was simply a curriculum to choose from among many, not realizing the philosophy was more a way of life. to be honest, i was first drawn more to montessori ideals but they felt too rigid and when i realized that the demands of my job would make it nearly impossibly to homeschool, i enrolled bean in public school and researched no further.
it wasn't until i was pregnant again, five years later, that my interest in waldorf education was renewed. i felt ready to meet the challenges of living a waldorf-lifestyle head-on. except that i severely lacked rhythm and structure and as far as discipline was concerned i still had a long way to go.
by the time pea was two years old, i thought i had a handle on conscious, peaceful parenting, i was letting respect for and attachment to this little person be my gentle guide. i can't say exactly what it was that happened next but between various stressors in my adult life, pea turning three, and a painful pregnancy due to severe PSD, i let things slip and suddenly i was reverting to old patterns and behaviors wherein i was not being very gentle or patient all of the time.
i could see the immediate effect in my child. the one my mother likes to point out was "very attached" to me was suddenly unruly, less cooperative, and more independent. i knew some of this was normal behavior for his age but i could see where some of pea's behaviors were mimicking his older brother's and i knew i was the common denominator. i started to read scream-free parenting on the recommendation of an online friend. it wasn't necessarily a personal recommendation but she was suggesting it as a must-read for anyone that grew up in a home where dysfunctional communication or yelling was commonplace. i learned that what the author considered "screaming" didn't necessarily have to mean that one was actually yelling or raising their voice at all. it was a real eye-opener and i suggested that my mother read the book because she is still raising children and they could benefit from a calmer, more peaceful mother, as well.
i have to be honest here again. i didn't finish the book. i didn't even implement more than half of what i read, though the first few examples had a huge impact on me. i had another baby and other things took precedence. it's been almost ten months since sprout was born and getting back on track is once again my first priority. i started reading the discipline book by dr. sears as a refresher course in what i already knew. it has helped tremendously to reaffirm my belief in attachment parenting but i have yet to meet my own (real or perceived) standards in terms of waldorf philosophy and practice.
i believe it is a challenge for me because i wasn't shown how to be loving, gentle, kind or patient. those are not the strong suits of either of my parents. i don't blame them and i may repeat this sentiment often (i even wrote a poem about it once). as trite as it sounds, i know that they did they best they could with what they had available to them. however, i do admit that it is difficult not to think that the rhythm, order, and reverence shown in waldorf schools and homeschools comes easier to those that are much more patient and easy-going, either by nature or as shown through nurturing.
the good news is: there are now a vast majority of both attachment parenting and waldorf resources currently available. i know how to seek them out and apply them. this has been on my mind lately as my mother and i still don't see eye to eye on several aspects of disciplining children, what is appropriate to expect of them, and how to handle challenging toddler behavior.
i have adopted an approach that is less harsh and requires more of me - i have to take responsibility for my emotions and maintain control over myself, i have to exact more patience and persistence, i have to hold myself to a higher degree of accountability in order to be consistent and thorough, and in order for my child to learn through gentle guidance, i have to repeat myself. often.
one of the most interesting things, and why i keep relating this to my mother, is that when i was younger she was actively trying to "undo" all of the negative and harmful forms of discipline her mother had bestowed upon her. she once shared the poem "children learn what they live" with my grandmother and if my memory serves me, my grandmother even displayed it in her home for some time. though it seemed to leave little lasting impression on either of them.
one version of the poem begins:
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to be shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn what envy is.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
(click here for the entire condensed version)
when i read just the beginning, i want to blame my mother for everything i ever did wrong in my life. i want to be angry with her for hurting me so much. but i know none of that is conducive to living a productive or happy life and the only thing i can do is be a better mother myself.
tonight i was flipping through the latest issue of parents (which i don't normally do) and i found myself reading the discipline feature by jody mace. the article titled "new tools for DIY discipline" offered new insights into old ways of dealing with young ones. the last tip was about replacing firmness with empathy. mace explains that a firm, direct approach is perfectly acceptable, at times, such as when a child is blatantly ignoring or disobeying. however, she cautions against being firm when a child is sad, for instance. even if a parent doesn't understand or believe the issue to be worthy of such emotion, children can sometimes feel sincere sadness over the tiniest of things.
i had to explain this to blessed papa, just the other night, when our sensitive little pea was crying at the dinner table. papa was serving us mini-sundaes for dessert and asked us to choose which ones we wanted. i had to leave the table for a moment and when i returned pea was wiping tears from his cheek. he was upset because papa didn't wait for me to return or select a sundae before he chose one for himself and started digging in. i let pea know this was okay, while papa was trying hard not to roll his eyes. i understood that our child was only expressing a very sincere emotion and felt that he was entitled to his sadness and concern even if it was over something that didn't matter at all to me. when we are insensitive to a child under such circumstances it can be perceived as both ridicule and shame and the child eventually becomes less likely to share his or her feelings with others and sometimes goes so far as to repress uncomfortable emotions so he or she does not even recognize them.
mace suggests that firmness is replaced with empathy and she explains that it is as important to children as it is to adults to feel heard and understood. a little bit of empathy can go a long way, not only in terms of how it makes our children feel more secure and empowered but also in the sense that it teaches them important lessons in how to relate to others in healthy and productive ways.
with this topic weighing heavily on my mind, i came across this bit on discipline in a waldorf school:
...the discipline is neither rigid in the traditional sense nor free in a permissive way. the objective [is] an easy, peaceful atmosphere in which all can breathe freely. this arises quite naturally when there is the right human understanding amongst pupils and between teacher and pupil: a mutual caring concern and regard. correction, if required, is carefully considered regarding the nature of the behavior and the dignity of the individual.
(the full article can be found here)
i could have not said that better and it easily applies to the home setting, whether waldorf education is a part of that setting or not. the key to a mutual caring concern and regard is to be a caring adult, as children learn what they live, mimic what they witness. i feel that being too harsh is akin to being hostile and that, in turn, creates a child always ready to fight. a child who will be hostile right back and so the cycle continues. i fully understand the cycles of dysfunction (and even abuse) and how damaged children often grow into damaged adults who damage their children and so on and so forth. when we are aware and acknowledge the problem we make a concerted effort to exact a powerful change upon our circumstances.
committed to growing as a person and as a mother, i learn as much from my children as i can and i know that the only useful method of teaching is by example, by being the change i wish to see. i understand that it is a process and that sometimes it may feel that i am taking two steps forward and three steps back but i continue to seek out and put to use the tools that that may not have been provided to me so that my children do not find the road to adulthood and parenthood so difficult.
that road begins with childhood.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
it takes a village
i am a firm believer that it takes a village to raise a child, to nurture a mother, to support a family.
for the first ten years of bean's life i was going to school, working, or both. my mother, grandmother, and aunts were my village. the cost of their help was often harsh judgment and misguided opinions, though i had limited options and i appreciated the support.
now my village has little to no capacity for support so i called upon a somewhat distant relative to ask for help.
it was a call i should have made months ago but it was difficult for me to truly admit (to myself) how much i need another pair of hands around here. i've wanted help, even asked those closest to me, but i often took their response, or lack thereof, as proof that i just needed to toughen up and tough it out.
blessed papa, bless his heart, has chosen the life of a small-business owner. two times over. you'd think that would make us twice as blessed, but instead he is twice as stressed. his service-based business is rapidly losing customers due to economic factors, the other is struggling to produce a return on the initial investment. he works at least 60 hours per week. it always feels like more. i feel guilty to the core when i need his help, ask for his assistance, or slink off to the computer for a "break" when he gets home and begins to play with the little ones. i also feel resentful that there is never any time for us and that i have to steal time for myself. however, i am grateful for the unexpected payoff of stealing time for myself the other night - prior to juggling the demands of an infant and a sick child, he didn't quite understand what it is i do all day, how i do it, and why it seems like i never do anything at all. he now understands just enough.
my mother is not willing or able to help me much at all and i am not willing or able to pay the price of her opinion. when i was a single mother, many of my friends were as well. now, most of my friends are married. now, just as then, it is difficult not to compare myself to them, especially in terms of how they can receive familial help without the harsh criticism i'm used to. my mom keeps reminding me that i'm no longer young or single and this might be why, for instance, my father no longer thinks he needs to acknowledge my children for holidays or birthdays and why he hasn't offered to contribute to my wedding. it's also a clear indication of why she thinks i no longer require her help.
in the nine months since sprout was born, there would have been days i might have seriously disappeared into the soggy, weeping mess of my own tears. it wasn't postpartum depression so much as it was disappointment, longing, loneliness, and helplessness. my sister helped me out on more than one occasion, just by being here. she may never know just how much her very presence helped me and i've never known quite how to tell her. i always knew she had better things to do than hang out with her much older sister but she never let on that she'd rather be doing them. not too much, anyway.
since she started college last fall, i knew i could expect to see her less and less. it wouldn't be fair of me to ask her to come over even once a week. since then, the bookkeeping i'm supposed to maintain is six months behind again. managing photos takes a backseat to everything and i have no less than 762 pictures on my camera at any given time. i average a shower every six days or so. life goes on.
i've fantasized about having a mother's helper. blessed papa has offered to hire one. then reality sinks in and i worry about all manner of things. like:
our home is tiny and often untidy. one of the reasons i need help is to actually keep up with the laundry and cloth diapers so that it looks like i accomplish even the most basic of domestic duties on a daily basis. i need time to myself to sort my bills, prepare packages for the post office, write, paint. shower.
for the first ten years of bean's life i was going to school, working, or both. my mother, grandmother, and aunts were my village. the cost of their help was often harsh judgment and misguided opinions, though i had limited options and i appreciated the support.
now my village has little to no capacity for support so i called upon a somewhat distant relative to ask for help.
it was a call i should have made months ago but it was difficult for me to truly admit (to myself) how much i need another pair of hands around here. i've wanted help, even asked those closest to me, but i often took their response, or lack thereof, as proof that i just needed to toughen up and tough it out.
blessed papa, bless his heart, has chosen the life of a small-business owner. two times over. you'd think that would make us twice as blessed, but instead he is twice as stressed. his service-based business is rapidly losing customers due to economic factors, the other is struggling to produce a return on the initial investment. he works at least 60 hours per week. it always feels like more. i feel guilty to the core when i need his help, ask for his assistance, or slink off to the computer for a "break" when he gets home and begins to play with the little ones. i also feel resentful that there is never any time for us and that i have to steal time for myself. however, i am grateful for the unexpected payoff of stealing time for myself the other night - prior to juggling the demands of an infant and a sick child, he didn't quite understand what it is i do all day, how i do it, and why it seems like i never do anything at all. he now understands just enough.
my mother is not willing or able to help me much at all and i am not willing or able to pay the price of her opinion. when i was a single mother, many of my friends were as well. now, most of my friends are married. now, just as then, it is difficult not to compare myself to them, especially in terms of how they can receive familial help without the harsh criticism i'm used to. my mom keeps reminding me that i'm no longer young or single and this might be why, for instance, my father no longer thinks he needs to acknowledge my children for holidays or birthdays and why he hasn't offered to contribute to my wedding. it's also a clear indication of why she thinks i no longer require her help.
in the nine months since sprout was born, there would have been days i might have seriously disappeared into the soggy, weeping mess of my own tears. it wasn't postpartum depression so much as it was disappointment, longing, loneliness, and helplessness. my sister helped me out on more than one occasion, just by being here. she may never know just how much her very presence helped me and i've never known quite how to tell her. i always knew she had better things to do than hang out with her much older sister but she never let on that she'd rather be doing them. not too much, anyway.
since she started college last fall, i knew i could expect to see her less and less. it wouldn't be fair of me to ask her to come over even once a week. since then, the bookkeeping i'm supposed to maintain is six months behind again. managing photos takes a backseat to everything and i have no less than 762 pictures on my camera at any given time. i average a shower every six days or so. life goes on.
i've fantasized about having a mother's helper. blessed papa has offered to hire one. then reality sinks in and i worry about all manner of things. like:
our home is tiny and often untidy. one of the reasons i need help is to actually keep up with the laundry and cloth diapers so that it looks like i accomplish even the most basic of domestic duties on a daily basis. i need time to myself to sort my bills, prepare packages for the post office, write, paint. shower.
being the product of my mother and grandmother's criticisms, throughout the years, the thought of having someone that knows me in my home is nerve-wracking. the thought of someone i don't know being in my home is even worse.
then there's my own judgment. mother's helpers are for wealthy women with far better things to do than soak in the tub. they are for people that are truly busy with careers and stuff. not people like me, that are launching this or that project and trying to declutter their home.
i am justifying the need for help because in the past few months, i have made baby steps towards taking myself and my work more seriously. i have sat down to write, though never uninterrupted. i have sketched and knit in anticipation of finally using my etsy account to sell my wares. i have redesigned indigoblossom on hyena cart and restructured the focus to selling new and used, but not so much handmade, items. i have taken initiative and realized that the only way i can see through any of my objectives is with help.
so i called one of my relatives today. one of my favorite relatives. she helped me watch bean when he was in first grade. at that time, i was working nine to five, couldn't afford before or after-school childcare, and didn't qualify for any type of child-care assistance. i was not receiving child support and had a mortgage to pay. she would pick him from school and nearly always fed him a home-cooked meal, as it would be closer to six by the time i would pick him up.
so i called her, not completely out of the blue, but because i ran into her daughter a few months ago. she mentioned that her mom wanted to start volunteering somewhere and she'd told her to hold off, that something truly worthwhile would come along. i then mentioned how much i'd love for her to be a part of my younger children's lives, the way she'd been for my oldest. she gave me her number and i chickened out.
today i made that call. i got the answering machine so i left a somewhat detailed and rehearsed message.
as evening approached and she hadn't called me back, my brain started doing that awful thing where it begins to doubt that i did the right thing. what if she has no interest at all in hanging out with two young children? what if she thinks i'm selfish to ask when i haven't spoken to her in years? it is okay, i tell myself. there is no harm in asking. i am reaching out in hopes of creating a more nurturing village.
we shall see what the universe hands me in return.
wednesday, how did you get here so quickly?
i've had so many awesome things to share this week.
pea turned four!!!
i went thrifting and scored quite the catch for $5.
i've knit the most gorgeous pair of fingerless mitts and vow that the next pair i make will be for myself.
blessed papa picked up a wooden ikea table from craigslist and our dining area is now ideal for crafting with little ones.
but. internet has been wonky and taking pictures off of my camera is slow-going. the littles have had a cough and required more cuddles and mama-time and i've been going to bed early. so. there's that.
this is my mini mid-week review, of sorts. i anticipate an end-of-week review with actual pictures :)
pea turned four!!!
i went thrifting and scored quite the catch for $5.
i've knit the most gorgeous pair of fingerless mitts and vow that the next pair i make will be for myself.
blessed papa picked up a wooden ikea table from craigslist and our dining area is now ideal for crafting with little ones.
but. internet has been wonky and taking pictures off of my camera is slow-going. the littles have had a cough and required more cuddles and mama-time and i've been going to bed early. so. there's that.
this is my mini mid-week review, of sorts. i anticipate an end-of-week review with actual pictures :)
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