in an effort to change...

just a while ago, my four year old was enjoying a large, jonagold apple.

i didn't really want any but when i noticed how long it was taking him to finish, i asked if he wanted me to eat the last, untouched slice. he said, "no," so i went about my business.

a few minutes later he offered me the last slice and i agreed to finish it before i realized that he was holding it. the sliced side was taking up his entire palm. the germ-a-phobe-freak-a-zoid my mother raised was completely grossed out.

the rational part of me, which does exist, knew that pea probably washed his hands when we got home or the last time he went pee. since he is my kid and all, he obsessively washes his hands if he even so much as steps foot in a bathroom. the emotional part of me knows that most normal mothers will share food and drink with their offspring without a second thought, without getting grossed out, without reliving a part of their childhood where their mother made them feel like disgusting little creatures even if they were disgusting little creatures who had yet to learn not to touch food and then put it back, or backwash a little into a glass or soda bottle, or not wash their hands before eating, or whatever. and even if the seed of OCD cleanliness has been planted early, kids are kinda gross.

but normal mothers still love them and share food and drink with them.

so i got over all my past life experiences and present habits and did something i've never really done.

i acted like a normal mother.

kidding, kidding, i "act" normal all the time.

but instead of finding a creative way to make pea finish the apple, himself, or coming right out and saying something potentially damaging like "ew, gross," i ate the damn apple slice.

warm cooties and all.

why no, i don't have a killer macro lens

i may have a killer dandelion, though.

and i don't just mean pretty...

this thing is like three feet tall

(or more - that sun statue that you can barely see in the back, left corner is at least 18" tall).

 

okay, here's a better example...this thing peeks into our kitchen for breakfast

and i blame it for my itchy eyes, every morning.

i think i think too much

i saw a quote today that was something like "if you think too much about how to do something, it will certainly be it's undoing" and if that isn't at all close to what i read, that's the gist of what i took away from it.

i may have spun it to have more personal relevance since i feel like just going with it right now, not putting too much thought into this journal or the art because i've been overthinking both of them for far too long. essentially second-guessing and questioning so much that i was headed down a very unproductive path -i was thinking about what i could do, but admittedly i wasn't doing anything.

as with anything, i think i can easily get off-track simply by letting my thoughts run amok - i feel creative and instinctual, always have - but in the last several years i've had no shortage of creative and intuitive thoughts, i've just done nothing with them, or about them. it is good to see the change coming, to feel it. to be doing it!

i almost said that i've decided to just start doing art everyday, but it wasn't a decision. it was a choice. i have recently chosen to do something creative everyday. it doesn't matter what it is. and a few weeks ago, kind of serendipitously, i saw a copy of The Artistic Mother: A Practical Guide to Fitting Creativity into Your Life at borders and i eventually went back to get it. while i may not actually follow each and every project over the next 12 weeks, it was just the thing i needed to inspire and motivate me enough. to do art. make art. be creative. stop making excuses. you name it. my internet time is now more focused. my daily tasks beyond the typical domestic duties include nothing but play and creative expression. even if i'm painting with a baby at my feet or on my back. even if i have to stop 345 times a day to get a cup of water, apple, grapes, clean a butt. whatever. this is my job. it's one of the things that i've always wanted and it took me several years to realize that i already had it.

things are, of course, not always ideal but they are getting so much better since i started thinking less and doing more.